Debra Reagan
These are the messages my head tried to tell my heart at the beginning of my grief journey.
I couldn’t bear to look at his photo. — I must be a terrible mom.
I am angry at my deceased son. — I must be a terrible mom.
My son had a drug addiction. — I must be a terrible mom.
My son and I argued at times. — I must be a terrible mom.
This feels like it is a punishment. — I must be a terrible mom.
We had a small private service. — I must be a terrible mom.
I did not view his body. — I must be a terrible mom.
I could not remember every detail of my child’s life. — I must be a terrible mom.
I did not feel special connections or signs. — I must be a terrible mom.
I allowed friends to talk me into going out. — I must be a terrible mom.
I should have known more. — I must be a terrible mom.
I should have done more. — I must be a terrible mom.
I went back to work. — I must be a terrible mom.
For a split second, my fears went away. — I must be a terrible mom.
After a lot of self talk and time, I grew to learn not to listen to these negative messages. I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I was not a terrible mom. I was a mom. I was not perfect, but I loved and did the best I could.
Anne, Thank you for your warm words of support and wisdom. Thank you for sharing.
Love, Debra
I think we all have felt that way. We are mothers. We’re supposed to protect our children and safely guide them to adulthood. When that doesn’t happen, we blame ourselves and make the assumption that we failed. My son was a teenager. He decided to drink with his friends one night and drove too fast while trying to bring a friend to our home. The result was that he and the friend died. It took a very long time for me to stop trying to find reasons to blame myself. Like you, I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. What has never been in question is the love we had and continue to have for our sons–no matter what. We’ve learned the hard lesson of unconditional love. xo
Julie, I am so sorry that we have walked this journey together, but I am also blessed to have such a wonderful friend. Sending hugs your way. Love, Debra
Thank you for this Debra – I know I felt a lot of these things also and still do at times although I work hard to push them away and remember what you told me at the beginning of my journey – I did the best I could at the time with what I knew at the time. Love you xx