Debra Reagan
This article was originally published in www.opentohope.com on Jan. 7, 2009, a website whose mission is to help those who have suffered a loss to cope with their pain and invest in the future.
I was sitting at my desk and glanced at the new calendar hanging on the wall. Suddenly, I was hit with the overwhelming thought of another. My heart ached over the thought of another birthday for my deceased child, another anniversary date, and all the other holidays that would come around another time. Many questions came to mind. Had I not gone through the depths of grief? Had I not walked through the Valley of the Shadows? Was this not enough? How could I be expected to do more??
It struck me the New Year was about another part of this grief journey. I had traveled through the depths of my grief, and the deep anguish had eased a bit. Now, I was about to encounter what I considered the breadth of my grief, and I wasn’t sure what that meant. These are the definitions I found for the word breadth: 1) distance from side to side, 2) something of full width, and 3) of comprehensive quality.
As I pondered the distance of my journey, I thought about my life and the distance behind me. In some ways three years still feels like yesterday. Then I thought of the distance in front of me and the unknown road I have yet to travel. Each day I will find another way to carry this loss because the love for my child will be with me for the remaining distance of my life.
As I looked at the second meaning of breadth, I continued to wonder about my grief. I thought about how my heart has grown wider. In the beginning of my grief, I feared my heart would grow smaller with one less person to love. I now realize just the opposite is true. A part of my heart will always remain in 2005, but another part of my heart moves forward with a new hope. I also want to grow wider in spirit until the day I am joined with my child again.
The impact of this loss has touched every part of my life. As I process another layer of this loss, I realize another aspect of my life that has changed. I am a different person because of loving and losing my son. As each day on the new calendar goes by, I will continue to travel this journey of transformation and seek to find another way to share Clint’s light and love. I hope to be a better person because of this love.
I will proudly carry the love for my child along with the impact of losing him every day for another year. I will honor the loss and I will rejoice in each cherished memory. The joy of the past and the love in the present will carry me forward with new hope for another day.
Dear Debra,
Thank you for sharing this beautifully written piece. Your intense love for Clint shines through, and while it remains with its own identity it has sprouted a love for others sharing this devastating experience. We bask in a love that you and your baby boy kindled. I appreciate your love, support, and encouragement for myself and all the moms you touch. You are loved by so many.
Love, Tracy
Michelle, Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry for the reason that brings us together. My heart aches over the death of your precious son, Logan. Two months is still so recent and so raw. This journey does get different as we travel along, but along the way it hurts deeper and longer than anyone can ever imagine. This journey is not linear, instead it is like a wild roller coaster ride. Be kind to yourself. Take deep breaths. And find someone who will allow you to express your feelings without judgment. Gentle Hugs.
Such a handsome Son! You have been such an inspiration of hope to me. Logan has only been gone for 2 months..God has gotten me this far. But you’ve helped me see that living for the future with hope, helps honor Logan. Thank you Debra.
Anita, What wonderfully sweet and encouraging words you have shared! You have blessed me here at the beginning of this new year. I hope you will share more with us in the future of your own journey. We all need each other in this forever journey of love and loss.
Davey, Clint and the others will never be forgotten.
Love you, Debra
Beautiful. Your words always hit the spot with me. I remember being very new in my grief and reading your website for Clint (http://www.clint-reagan.memory-of.com) and thinking that if you can do it, I can too. I laughed and I cried as I read it but your words straight from your heart is what spoke to me. Thank you for those. Each year is hard and we always wonder how we do it. The only thing I say say is… we have no choice but we have to do our best for your children that we have lost. Thank you again. Anita Chavez-forever Davey Chavez’s mom