This article first appeared on the Open To Hope website on October 27, 2012 

Debra Reagan

The plans were set for a 9-day adventure with my sister. The excitement and anticipation were building. I had to pack carefully as our travels would cover different elevations and therefore different temperatures. The plans were to cover many miles and to experience as much as we could. After hours of traveling by plane and shuttle, I finally arrived at my sister’s house. The time had come and our excursion would begin the next morning.

It has been over 7 years since Clint’s death and I often find myself speaking in a prayerful way to the heavens in hopes that he will hear me. This time it was more of a plea. The talk went something like this, “Well, Clint, it has been a while since I have felt your presence….if you are still here send me a sign…..(I revised this plea as I continued.)….send a sign that I will know it is you…….send a sign in the way of a heart to me. No, wait a minute, send the sign to Aunt Misty…..that way I will know it is real and not just my own wishful thinking.” So my final plea was for Clint to send a sign through nature in the shape of a heart that my sister would spot first and then bring it to my attention. I would secretly hold this request in my heart.

Most of our days during the trip were filled with activities that occupied by mind so the thoughts of Clint’s message were pushed to the back. We were busy traveling and experiencing new things, but as each day came to an end, I would briefly think of the requested heart sign. Just before drifting off to sleep, I would invest my hope into the next day.

Now the trip was closing and we were making our way back to my sister’s house. I was beginning to give up on my connection sign. My physical and emotional strength were fading. Despair and disappointment were settling into my heart. The trip had be fantastic and we had encountered an abundance of nature’s beauty and magnificent wildlife, but my heart was longing for my sign.

During this adventure we had viewed many large groups of animals: elk, deer, yak, sheep, prairie dogs, goats and wild ponies. So at first, I took little notice of a lone horse standing in the middle of the vast reservation land. I first saw this horse in this distance, as I continued to look I took notice to the beauty of this horse. He was an amazing brown horse with a few white spots. I don’t remember if I pointed the magnificent creature out to my sister or if she spotted it herself, but I will never forget my sister shouting out, “Did you see the heart pattern on the horse? One of the white spots was in the shape of a heart.” I had looked at the animal, but I had not seen the heart until that moment.

I started to cry with a mixture of joy and sadness. I had to take a few minutes to compose myself before I could explain to my sister the reason for the sudden burst of tears. We both sat in silence as we continued along our journey taking in the love and the special connection. Times like this bring a type of joy and reassurance in spite of the great sadness. I know that Clint will always live in my heart.

Brad Hood

Parent God, Creator, Almighty,
On this day we pause to pray to You.
From the depths of our Spirit, we pray; from places
within where pain lives, we pray; from places where
healing has begun, we pray.
We pray to You because in knowing Your Son, we
know You know our pain. And in knowing Your Son,
we know you know our hope of the resurrection.
We pray for all gathered here, bless each person,
family and journey we are on together.
We pray for every parent who is, right now, living
the nightmare we have lived; and for every parent
who will. (Silence.)
Redeem hope from disappointment, love from tears,
build relationships through our trials and be there
for us God when we feel so abandoned.
Today we set free new life to carry our prayers to
You.
Amen.
Sept 21, 2014 Butterfly release for Listening Hearts.

This poem was originally published on www.thegriefblog.com, which is a part of The Open to Hope Foundation network, a website whose mission is to help those who have suffered a loss to cope with their pain and invest in the future.

Lana Golembeski
December 10, 2008

Dear God;

I sit and wonder “why?”
I ask you all the time.
When I was younger
All I wanted was to have children,
A houseful!
But you said “no”.

When I got into my twenties
I asked you for a child.
But you said “no”.

But you finally said that I could have one.
You gave me the most precious angel of all.
She was blonde and beautiful,
With her golden curls.
She hugged and cuddled
As we rocked and rocked.
She adored me; followed me everywhere.
I told you that if I could only have ONE child
THIS one was the one I wanted.
I prayed again and again for one more child,
But you said “no”.

I tried so hard for more children.
I suffered many surgeries.
And you said “no”.

So, I agreed to your plan:
No more children…just love the one
I had with all my heart and she will please me.
That she did!
And I loved her with all my heart and soul.
And you sent me many other children
For me to care for and to love.
And that I did.
I prayed for grandchildren
And you said “no”.

And then you took away
My only child.
And I prayed “why?”
All I ever wanted was a lot of children
And grandchildren,
And you said “no”.

I sit and wonder why.
I wish I had the answer.
I wish you were not so silent.
I wish you would tell me all the secrets
So that I can understand Your ways.
And you took away other children for senseless reasons
And again I ask you “why?”

So, tonight, God, I pray for all of those moms
Who lost their precious children.
And I pray for peace to accept your will
And to stop asking “why?”
God, will you please hold my hand
And tell me again and again
That everything will be okay?