Hi, my name is Deb Moroney and I lost a son Kyle at age 23 on June 23, 2017. As many of you don’t know me, I’m originally from mid-state Illinois and attended nursing school in Springfield, Illinois. I graduated in 1985 and along with my then boyfriend, now husband, Roger, of almost 32 years, moved to Southern IL near Belleville actually living in Maryville, IL. I eventually took a job shortly before getting married in 1987 working at St. Louis University Hospital in St. Louis, MO. I finished a bachelor’s degree in nursing as well as my husband finishing with a Bachelor’s in physics in 1993. I was about 5 months pregnant with Kyle going to school and working full time. He arrived a month early on a Sunday, March 20, 1994 (Spring Day baby) weighing only 5lbs, 13 oz. He was so tiny but grew quickly and before he was 3, we decided to move to Fenton, MO to build a house and stop having to drive across bridges every day for work. Kyle so loved watching our house being built. I remember him picking out his room so vividly. Our house was finished just before Christmas and we all felt that this was the best Christmas present ever! 

In 2001 we moved to Tennessee settling in Lenoir City and built our dream home. A timber frame home almost to the design we had sketched out on our honeymoon. Little did we know we would live in it for almost 16 years. This was Kyle’s home, our home. In April of 2017 we decided to move and did so to Sevierville after purchasing a 175-year-old plantation house that we hope to open as a Bed & Breakfast later this year. Having graduated from Saint Louis University Post Master’s program, I started a new job as a Nurse Practitioner with Humana in late May. As our luck would have it, we had only into the house just moved into the house a mere 5 weeks before, Kyle was tragically killed in a single car accident along with his passenger, a friend of his, on a mountain road that he so loved. I never would have dreamed that I would be on this journey at this point in my life, nor would I wish it upon anyone else.

As we know our own grief journey is personal even different from our spouse’s, we are required only to try and take a day or even a minute at a time to survive. I did take a chance to reach for help and called Mane Support, an equine therapy-based grief and loss therapy center located in Maryville. It was there working with horses and a counselor that I have been able to finally see me first and acknowledge my wants and needs before being asked to serve on the Board. As an Assistant Co- Chairman of the Board for Mane Support, we are working to maintain its true ministry and vision.

I recently started a new job last October, working for UT Palliative Care and absolutely love my job and my co-workers as well. I feel that Kyle guided me to that job for a reason which was to help others during a crisis at a most vulnerable point in their lives just as he would have helped anyone even a stranger he’d never met before.

This journey is far from over. Last May 2018, almost one year after the loss of Kyle, we lost our beloved Max, a 15 1/2-year-old Border Collie that grew up with Kyle after moving into our home in Lenoir City. We were completely devastated all over again by loss although in a different sense but all the same as it triggered so much for me regarding Kyle. It’s true I’ll never be the same person I once was but with time and much healing and prayers, I will continue to carry on my son’s light and keep his name and spirit alive.

Thank you for reading some of my postings or blogs. I write whatever comes from my heart at that particular time. It may be short while others are lengthy. I only hope that through my writings someone else may gain strength to know it’s okay to feel like this and that there is no true path in which we are required to follow. It’s each of our’s personal journey as it should be.

Peace and hugs,

Kyle’s Mom – Deb (ZBOYMOM)

Deb Moroney

June 30, 2019

As June comes to a close, I am laying here thinking of how much my life has changed in the last two years. Looking back, I no longer see the same person I once was nor do I really want to be that person at this point in my life. Losing Kyle definitely turned my life upside down and as of late I have never felt so lost and alone in my grief. Yes, I have great support but while walking this grief journey one has to acquire a new sense of balance so to speak in one’s life. I have not felt balanced for many months. Maybe because so much has been going on I really haven’t had time for just me or just time to destress from everyday living without some little crisis flaring up. Recently I escaped on a mini “Me” vacation to try and regroup myself so that I might get a better handle on things in my life. As luck would have it a huge stressor occurred while I was gone, and I almost cancelled my trip. However, after much turmoil back and forth in my brain (mainly because I was by myself) I decided to not leave and let things work out as they did. I was able to help out each day and keep my family in the loop which I hope helped. As far as taking care of me, I did do just that, and it was well worth the trip in that regards. However, upon returning home I haven’t felt any different and I’m not really sure what I was really expecting. I have realized that communication is important and that I am not so great at it. Never have been. I can talk about other things, people, Kyle, the house, anything except me and how I really feel. I think I see myself in so many ways it’s hard to put it into words. I feel empty inside some days, I feel like my heart has been broken in a million pieces and can never be put back together, I feel lost some days, I feel like I am weighted down by a million pounds and can hardly move, and yet some days I think I am still just numb to everything because it’s like I hardly feel anything. Grief affects a person in so many ways. It truly is like an ocean just constantly lapping at you waiting to knock you over and attempt to drown you only to see you struggle back up to do it all over again. The last 6 months to year have seemed the hardest maybe because we have lived through all the “firsts” and now we are no longer moving in that brain fog of grief but truly experiencing grief and its awful harsh reality. I know for me it has seemed harder to laugh and be joyful even when thing used to bring me great joy and excitement. It’s not that I’m not appreciative but I feel like part of me is missing so much. Maybe it’s my brain telling me that this is what Kyle is missing out on and I’m seeing it through his eyes. I’m not sure. It doesn’t help to think of it either way because it’s just sad. Even work feels robotic some days although I love my job and feel that Kyle helped get in the place, I’m in now. I can’t think of anywhere else I’d want to be. I wake up each morning ready to tackle the day as he would want me to and try to remember that I’m helping others as he always helped those in need. Often it was done by just listening or holding someone’s hand. Words sometimes do not need to be spoken for every situation. Grieving parents of an only child are an unique group in that we don’t have other children to hug or embrace to or watch grow up nor will we ever experience our child’s future endeavors such as career achievements, getting married, having his own family and home, even the simplest thing as moving out and living on his/her own would have been a fun time. Well maybe on second thought it might have been stressful for all of us!! But you get the picture after one loses their only child the family unit is broken. The threesome is no longer as it should be and as much as we dread it we are forced back to just a couple without a child (no matter the age). Looking back, I often wonder why we waited so long to have Kyle. Did we really have to be married 7 years and know each other for almost 9 years before he entered our life and changed it forever? I don’t have the answer for that. I’m so glad and so very proud of our son Kyle. I miss him terribly, but I know he’s happy and that he’s my Guardian Angel now. I ask him every morning and all through the day to give me the strength to carry on as he would, helping others and taking care of his Dad as best I can. I am always looking for signs from him especially his rainbow around the sun. That one is definitely a special one. I just want him to know I’m trying my best to do a good job even on the hard days. I am determined to not give up but to learn by each day as I make my journey along the path of grief. I will continue to help others and to keep our son’s spirit alive in doing so. I know there is purpose in everyone’s life but for me I am still searching for it to find me and help guide me on my journey. I am pretty sure I’m headed down the right path and I have excellent support from my family and close friends.

Love you my sweet ZBOY, Kyle 
Always your ZBOYMOM

Deb Moroney

June 21, 2019

My mini ‘Me Vacation’ has given me much time to reflect on many things going on in my life and in our life as a family. So much has happened in these last 2 years that at times I feel like I’m on a roller coaster not knowing what lies ahead. Is it a hill to climb or a curve in the road or an upside-down twisting that makes one’s head spin? All of these are so unpredictable in grief and the journey that follows, and we are only just beginning. I hear so often that time heals all things however time I sure will never heal our broken hearts in the loss of our precious son, Kyle. He is still the center of my life and often the reason for my existence I believe. He was my inspiration to finish school and become something that I thought I could never accomplish. After many long talks whether sitting in the garage, at the table, in the living room, or even on the edge of his bed, we talked about life in general and what it held for each of us and how we could support one another. I know he had so many plans and dreams that will never come to light but my hope is to keep his spirit alive by doing what he did so easily and that was to help others just by being there. If there is one lesson, I learned from Kyle that is patience. He was a master at it and in all of his life, I only remember him becoming angry on 2 occasions. His level of patience was so high that I often wondered if he really understood what was going on around him but quickly found out that not only did, he knows what was going on, he often knew how to fix it. I have spent the last 4-5 days reflecting how I could fix me and gain that same level of patience he acquired so easily. I am trying my son, but for some it takes longer to learn. Life in general, work, and family events do not help however we learn from them and grow.

I did learn that I do not need to drop everything and run home to care for a family member who is sick even when that family member is my Dad. It took all the strength in the world not to cancel this vacation and drive North to visit him and help if I could. Instead I have been in touch by phone daily and keeping my family up to date as well as trying to make arrangements for his discharge. We will know more Monday. Dad ended up really sick with UTI and pneumonia almost septic and in my books that is really serious. As a former Critical Care Nurse, I was going ballistic however I also remembered that I needed a break from all stress, including family and needed to focus on myself. I knew deep down that my Mom was okay, and my brothers were there to help. Granted being in touch by phone while exploring the caves of Ruby Falls and receiving a 90-minute message did not help my anxiety in this but I did enjoy both and was able to relax. I topped the day off by going to Lookout Mountain via the Incline Railroad and just took in the beauty of God’s handiwork. I knew then that Dad was in good hands and was receiving the best care he could get and that I did not need to worry. I remembered when we were young a trip to Quincy to ride on a miniature steam locomotive. Dad loved trains almost as much as his Dad. My grandfather worked for the railroad in Quincy and retired in the 1940’s. He never lost his love for trains. I’ve never forgotten that day and after riding this unique railway car Thursday it brought back those memories. Kyle loved steam locomotives as well and we took him to see several as well. So, I guess it just runs in the family.

Roger is still and always has been my rock and my strength when I need him most. Yes, times have been strained lately but only because I have let stress get in the way. I am trying to figure a way to avoid that from now on. I have decided to make myself remember my little getaway and reflect upon it when life seems to get too burdensome. I will need to reconnect with my inner soul and regroup as you might say. I am not ready to lose what we have nor do I want to travel this journey alone. I know I could not. I need to practice my patience and communication skills with Roger and promise to do so. I am not worried about my relationship with Sami as she is all about kisses, licks and belly rubs!

In reflection of where I am today, I think I am still not ready to open the doors to the future without Kyle entirely although I know he is always with me. I am just not ready to move on from my spot where I am in my grief journey at this time. I still feel like I need to mourn his loss and am not ready to move on as yet. I am not sad by this just lonely in my heart at times. I am no longer numb to his loss; it just hurts to think of him now. I think of Kyle almost every day in everything I do. Whether driving, eating, or just watching TV. Something will trigger a memory, good or bad, and sometimes I often still cry which is okay for now. I may never change, and I am okay with that as well. This is how I am at this point and where I want to be. As I can’t make new pictures or movies with Kyle in them, my mind tries to come up with things that he would say or do at various times. I yearn to hear his voice again and know that someday I will be able to hold him again. I will hear his voice and his sweet laugh that I miss the most. As sure as the rain is falling now, I am also sure of the rainbow that will appear afterwards somewhere. Kyle’s rainbow. I’ll be watching for it.

Love, ZBOYMOM