Lee Ann Christ
After almost 12 years, my heart still takes a blow upon rising in the morning and encountering Brian’s absence. And there are still times of great distress and tears, when something triggers a guttural response and the pain is just as intense as the day he left us. This doesn’t occur every morning anymore, and the pain does not surface intensely every day the way it did the first days, months, years.
Nevertheless, there is a deep sadness that I carry with me that didn’t surface until after Brian died. And there is a beauty in it that is hard to explain. This sadness is not depression. It has to do with the realization of the inevitability of change. It has to do with realizing indeed we are not in total control. Life is fleeting. At times it deepens my understanding by stilling my thoughts and enhancing the awareness of life’s subtleties
I don’t exist in this state always. I am not that self aware. But when it is present, often while listening to uncomplicated, instrumental music or in prayer, I perceive things in clearer detail, such as: in nature; by seeing beneath what someone has said to their truth; understanding and connecting to the toll etched in a friend’s face from a trial they have been through; contemplating & loving my husband’s profile when he is deep in thought; or seeing Brian’s face in one of our daughter’s expressions, and just enjoying who they are and the times they are with me. Moments that I am acutely aware are fleeting- Sadness- are now relished-Joy. I am thankful to God for them even though their impermanence is bittersweet.
This kind of sadness bores right through to the soul and the importance of life flows out, to be soaked up.
As journaling creates a reference point for remembering things experienced, this type of sadness streams into life and helps to experience & claim the journey as it is taking place.
We all desire another chance of sharing love with our child who is no longer with us. Because of that child who God gave us, this type of sadness stirs up Joy inside. It keeps us more in the here and now to love, think and consider things deeply. It can move us to empathy, trust, hope. Peeled away is the thickness of life and exposed is the beauty, and the beauty that was the life of our child.
This verse, among many from the Bible, gives me peace:
“Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.” John 16:20
Once again you have created a masterpiece Lee Ann! You are very talented with your words and ought to publish them. This is beautiful and you are to be commended on a job well done in describing your feelings related to your loss of Brian. Thanks for sharing!!!