June 3

Deb Moroney

2 years! I still can’t believe it. It only seems like the phone call came yesterday. I remember it so vividly. Just as I remember the events leading up to your time of the accident just as vividly. Kyle, where has time gone in these last two years without you? I have changed just as much as your Dad has. This grief journey has not been easy as so many of us have come to find out. We read books, listen to podcasts, talk to counselors and so many others who will just listen, that it seems that we will never find the answers we are looking for. Every time I see a memory post of you, it throws me right back to this day 2 years ago. Wishing that I could remember more, wishing that I had had more time with you, wishing that I had said something different at the time and maybe you would still be here. It’s so hard to change and move on or as some put it move forward in grief. I’m just not sure that I’m ready to move forward yet and definitely know that some days. My heart still breaks into a million pieces at just the thought of something you said or did 💔. I cry late at night or still just driving the big old “cracker” white truck that you helped us buy just a month before you were gone. Every time I see a Z I want to reach out and hug the person because it just warms my heart. I miss your beautiful Monterey Blue Z so much but not nearly as much as miss you my precious son, Kyle. You are still my life every day, my reason for living, and I’m reminded of that daily in my job. People come up to me and say things like “You were definitely cut out for this job” or “We’re so glad you are here because you know just what to say and do”. I’m not always thinking about what I’m going to say when I meet a patient or family and yet it just comes from my heart. Having been a nurse for almost 35 years I guess you could say that I’m a seasoned nurse but what I’m really doing is trying to see things from the patient’s perspective as I see life now. Life is never easy and when you lose someone so precious and dear to you, you feel numb. I just want to thank you for finding me this job and allowing me to help others as you helped so many.

I think this is how we both felt the first year. We just were trying to survive and get through all the “firsts” without you. This second year has been much harder for me in that it feels like the realness has set in and I now know that you won’t be back, but my brain and my heart aren’t ready to accept that yet. Reading through an essay your Dad, Roger, wrote for Alive Alone, was beautifully written and told your story but it also reminded me of so many memories that I never want to lose hold of. Especially the ones when you were the happiest. You can see it in the pictures that he posted but better, yet I remember talking to you about them and know how you truly felt about all of these major events in your life. The good ones and bad ones.

ZDAYZ was very special for me in that I truly feel your presence in the mountains but also from your Z car community. They have made us part of the family and I truly am honored. I sat at the dinner and deck party Friday night and the Shenanigans on Saturday night and just listened to all the laughter and could almost hear you laughing with them. Many drove past your tree that weekend but more astounding was the number of “👍KYLE MORONEY LIKES THIS” decals I saw on so many different cars from all over the US. I could never reach out to all of them and say thank you, but I wanted to. I had never realized how much I look for decals as I do now. It’s almost as if it’s my mission to see if you are there. I know I don’t need a decal to feel your presence. I definitely felt it driving home Friday night and again stopping by your tree Saturday night to watch the sun set. It was one of the most beautiful sights I have seen in a long time. Just wish my camera would have taken the pictures that I was seeing. They were spectacular!

Thank you for providing us with love, hope, guidance and reassurance that you have never left us Kyle. I can’t promise that the next year will be any easier or the ones after that, but I do promise to make sure you stay alive in everyone’s heart and mind! Keep doing those burnouts up there in the Heavens and we’ll keep watching for signs of them from here. Love you my sweet son and ZBOY, Kyle.   Forever and always, Love, ZBOYMOM 💙💙💙🐾🐾