Handling the Holidays

Excerpted from “How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies”
by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D.

1. As much as you’d like to skip from November to January 2nd, this is impossible.  Therefore, it will be wise for you to take control of the situation by facing it squarely and planning for what you do and do not want to do to get through this time.
2. Realize that the anticipation of pain at the holidays is always worse than the actual day.
3. Recognize that what you decide for this year can be changed next year.
4. Do something symbolic.  Think about including rituals that can approximately symbolize your memory of your loved ones.
5. Recognize that the holidays are filled with unrealistic expectations for intimacy, closeness, relaxation, and joy for all people-not just for the bereaved.
6. Reevaluate family traditions.  Ask yourself and your surviving loved ones whether you need to carry them on this year or whether you should begin to develop some new ones.
7. Recognize that your loved one’s absence will cause pain no matter what you do.  This is only  natural and right.  After all, you are mourning because you love and miss this person…….You can feel the sweetness of the holiday, but also the bitterness of your loved one’s  absence.
8. Tears and sadness do not have to ruin the entire holiday for you or for others.  Let yourself have the cry you need and you will be surprised that you can go on again until the next time you need to release the tears.
9. Ask for what you want or need from others during the holidays.
10. Having some fun at the holidays does not mean you don’t miss your loved one.  It is not a betrayal.  You must give yourself permission to have joy when you can, just like you must give yourself permission to mourn when you have the need.
11. Look at your plans and ask what they indicate.  Are you doing what you want or are you placating others?  Are you isolating yourself from support or are you tapping into your resources?  Are you doing things that are meaningful or are you just doing things?
12. Do something for someone else.  Although you may feel deprived because of the loss of your loved one, reaching out to another can bring you some measure of fulfillment.

Candlelight Ceremony