Marilyn Brady
We lost our son, Mackenzie, on December 17, 2016. He was our only child and no child could ever be loved more than Mackenzie. We had waited for a child for so long and God did bless us with Mackenzie on November 28, 1996. Mackenzie was just our everything. We were so proud of him and all that he was. He was our “Gentle Giant”. He was absolutely adored and so, so loved. Yes, as parents, did he push our buttons? Absolutely. But, we worked through things as a family and we would so love to be that family still. However, it was not meant to be. And in December of 2016, our grief journey began and it was a place that we never imagined that we would ever be. Parents are supposed to outlive their children. THIS IS JUST NOT RIGHT!!And that first year, we were so numb to everything. Our emotions were all over the place. We would cry, get mad, be so upset, and be flooded with memories while always remembering that Mackenzie would never be with us again. Then we blamed ourselves. Could we have done something to prevent his blood clot from happening? Even the words of the Emergency Room Doctor saying that even if he had been there, that even he could not have prevented his death had been very little comfort for us. We wanted our son here with us!
It has been very difficult for us and it still remains difficult. There have been very many changes since Mackenzie’s death. It did bring our families closer together. It did lead to us meeting many new people who have helped us so much in trying to understand this process and how to maneuver through, knowing there is no right or wrong way to go through the grief process. We had to find our own way on many things such as holidays. We had always celebrated at his paternal grandparents house and since his death, we have not been able to go and have those gatherings. Have there been hurt feelings because of the holidays? Yes. We just could not go to their house anymore and celebrate when there were so many memories of Mackenzie and that time there. And his paternal grandparents did not understand our point of view. They are elderly and wanted things to remain the same. However, nothing would ever be the same ever again. The holidays are so, so hard for us. We struggle through them every year. And, it is a struggle.
We try to go to the graveyard as much as we can to visit with Mackenzie. We have heard from some of our other friends who have lost children that they have been criticized for doing this. How? We do not understand this at all. That is our child and that is how we still can feel connected to him. That is all we have. We cannot hug him, hold him, or kiss him. You have to leave that connection for us for that is all we have. And if you do not understand it, be thankful that you don’t.
There are times that we can laugh now and not feel guilty for allowing ourselves to have that moment. There are still times that the anguish over losing him just engulfs us but there is some resolve in that we know that he is in HEAVEN with God and that we WILL see him again. So, we hold on to that moment with hope and love.
So, as we continue on this unending journey, please be patient with us. We are trying to move in a world that holds our heart in its hands. We are trying to find our way and it is not easy for us. And remember there is no right or wrong way to go through this journey. So, please just be patient with us.
REMEMBER ME
In spring when field and flowers bloom and lovers stroll beneath the moon When clouds are gone and skies are fair and hints of summer fill the air Remember Me
In summer when the crickets sing and you see robins on the wing When pumpkins grow and corn is tall and weather gives a taste of fall Remember Me
In fall when leaves turn crimson red and acorns fat to squirrels are fed When summer nights are put to bed and goldenrod and frost are wed Remember Me
In winter when the cold winds blow and all the earth is white with snow When soup is hot and fires are built and on your bed’s an extra quilt Remember Me
