Deb Moroney
June 30, 2019
As June comes to a close, I am laying here thinking of how much my life has changed in the last two years. Looking back, I no longer see the same person I once was nor do I really want to be that person at this point in my life. Losing Kyle definitely turned my life upside down and as of late I have never felt so lost and alone in my grief. Yes, I have great support but while walking this grief journey one has to acquire a new sense of balance so to speak in one’s life. I have not felt balanced for many months. Maybe because so much has been going on I really haven’t had time for just me or just time to destress from everyday living without some little crisis flaring up. Recently I escaped on a mini “Me” vacation to try and regroup myself so that I might get a better handle on things in my life. As luck would have it a huge stressor occurred while I was gone, and I almost cancelled my trip. However, after much turmoil back and forth in my brain (mainly because I was by myself) I decided to not leave and let things work out as they did. I was able to help out each day and keep my family in the loop which I hope helped. As far as taking care of me, I did do just that, and it was well worth the trip in that regards. However, upon returning home I haven’t felt any different and I’m not really sure what I was really expecting. I have realized that communication is important and that I am not so great at it. Never have been. I can talk about other things, people, Kyle, the house, anything except me and how I really feel. I think I see myself in so many ways it’s hard to put it into words. I feel empty inside some days, I feel like my heart has been broken in a million pieces and can never be put back together, I feel lost some days, I feel like I am weighted down by a million pounds and can hardly move, and yet some days I think I am still just numb to everything because it’s like I hardly feel anything. Grief affects a person in so many ways. It truly is like an ocean just constantly lapping at you waiting to knock you over and attempt to drown you only to see you struggle back up to do it all over again. The last 6 months to year have seemed the hardest maybe because we have lived through all the “firsts” and now we are no longer moving in that brain fog of grief but truly experiencing grief and its awful harsh reality. I know for me it has seemed harder to laugh and be joyful even when thing used to bring me great joy and excitement. It’s not that I’m not appreciative but I feel like part of me is missing so much. Maybe it’s my brain telling me that this is what Kyle is missing out on and I’m seeing it through his eyes. I’m not sure. It doesn’t help to think of it either way because it’s just sad. Even work feels robotic some days although I love my job and feel that Kyle helped get in the place, I’m in now. I can’t think of anywhere else I’d want to be. I wake up each morning ready to tackle the day as he would want me to and try to remember that I’m helping others as he always helped those in need. Often it was done by just listening or holding someone’s hand. Words sometimes do not need to be spoken for every situation. Grieving parents of an only child are an unique group in that we don’t have other children to hug or embrace to or watch grow up nor will we ever experience our child’s future endeavors such as career achievements, getting married, having his own family and home, even the simplest thing as moving out and living on his/her own would have been a fun time. Well maybe on second thought it might have been stressful for all of us!! But you get the picture after one loses their only child the family unit is broken. The threesome is no longer as it should be and as much as we dread it we are forced back to just a couple without a child (no matter the age). Looking back, I often wonder why we waited so long to have Kyle. Did we really have to be married 7 years and know each other for almost 9 years before he entered our life and changed it forever? I don’t have the answer for that. I’m so glad and so very proud of our son Kyle. I miss him terribly, but I know he’s happy and that he’s my Guardian Angel now. I ask him every morning and all through the day to give me the strength to carry on as he would, helping others and taking care of his Dad as best I can. I am always looking for signs from him especially his rainbow around the sun. That one is definitely a special one. I just want him to know I’m trying my best to do a good job even on the hard days. I am determined to not give up but to learn by each day as I make my journey along the path of grief. I will continue to help others and to keep our son’s spirit alive in doing so. I know there is purpose in everyone’s life but for me I am still searching for it to find me and help guide me on my journey. I am pretty sure I’m headed down the right path and I have excellent support from my family and close friends.
Love
you my sweet ZBOY, Kyle
Always your ZBOYMOM
