Thoughts for Today

Deb Moroney

June 21, 2019

My mini ‘Me Vacation’ has given me much time to reflect on many things going on in my life and in our life as a family. So much has happened in these last 2 years that at times I feel like I’m on a roller coaster not knowing what lies ahead. Is it a hill to climb or a curve in the road or an upside-down twisting that makes one’s head spin? All of these are so unpredictable in grief and the journey that follows, and we are only just beginning. I hear so often that time heals all things however time I sure will never heal our broken hearts in the loss of our precious son, Kyle. He is still the center of my life and often the reason for my existence I believe. He was my inspiration to finish school and become something that I thought I could never accomplish. After many long talks whether sitting in the garage, at the table, in the living room, or even on the edge of his bed, we talked about life in general and what it held for each of us and how we could support one another. I know he had so many plans and dreams that will never come to light but my hope is to keep his spirit alive by doing what he did so easily and that was to help others just by being there. If there is one lesson, I learned from Kyle that is patience. He was a master at it and in all of his life, I only remember him becoming angry on 2 occasions. His level of patience was so high that I often wondered if he really understood what was going on around him but quickly found out that not only did, he knows what was going on, he often knew how to fix it. I have spent the last 4-5 days reflecting how I could fix me and gain that same level of patience he acquired so easily. I am trying my son, but for some it takes longer to learn. Life in general, work, and family events do not help however we learn from them and grow.

I did learn that I do not need to drop everything and run home to care for a family member who is sick even when that family member is my Dad. It took all the strength in the world not to cancel this vacation and drive North to visit him and help if I could. Instead I have been in touch by phone daily and keeping my family up to date as well as trying to make arrangements for his discharge. We will know more Monday. Dad ended up really sick with UTI and pneumonia almost septic and in my books that is really serious. As a former Critical Care Nurse, I was going ballistic however I also remembered that I needed a break from all stress, including family and needed to focus on myself. I knew deep down that my Mom was okay, and my brothers were there to help. Granted being in touch by phone while exploring the caves of Ruby Falls and receiving a 90-minute message did not help my anxiety in this but I did enjoy both and was able to relax. I topped the day off by going to Lookout Mountain via the Incline Railroad and just took in the beauty of God’s handiwork. I knew then that Dad was in good hands and was receiving the best care he could get and that I did not need to worry. I remembered when we were young a trip to Quincy to ride on a miniature steam locomotive. Dad loved trains almost as much as his Dad. My grandfather worked for the railroad in Quincy and retired in the 1940’s. He never lost his love for trains. I’ve never forgotten that day and after riding this unique railway car Thursday it brought back those memories. Kyle loved steam locomotives as well and we took him to see several as well. So, I guess it just runs in the family.

Roger is still and always has been my rock and my strength when I need him most. Yes, times have been strained lately but only because I have let stress get in the way. I am trying to figure a way to avoid that from now on. I have decided to make myself remember my little getaway and reflect upon it when life seems to get too burdensome. I will need to reconnect with my inner soul and regroup as you might say. I am not ready to lose what we have nor do I want to travel this journey alone. I know I could not. I need to practice my patience and communication skills with Roger and promise to do so. I am not worried about my relationship with Sami as she is all about kisses, licks and belly rubs!

In reflection of where I am today, I think I am still not ready to open the doors to the future without Kyle entirely although I know he is always with me. I am just not ready to move on from my spot where I am in my grief journey at this time. I still feel like I need to mourn his loss and am not ready to move on as yet. I am not sad by this just lonely in my heart at times. I am no longer numb to his loss; it just hurts to think of him now. I think of Kyle almost every day in everything I do. Whether driving, eating, or just watching TV. Something will trigger a memory, good or bad, and sometimes I often still cry which is okay for now. I may never change, and I am okay with that as well. This is how I am at this point and where I want to be. As I can’t make new pictures or movies with Kyle in them, my mind tries to come up with things that he would say or do at various times. I yearn to hear his voice again and know that someday I will be able to hold him again. I will hear his voice and his sweet laugh that I miss the most. As sure as the rain is falling now, I am also sure of the rainbow that will appear afterwards somewhere. Kyle’s rainbow. I’ll be watching for it.

Love, ZBOYMOM