Tracy Bradshaw

This is the fourth Christmas that I’ve not put up a tree or decorated the house. I have only been shopping one time, and I’m okay with that. My heart just isn’t in the traditional family gift giving anymore. No doubt, the reason for that is because I don’t have a list for Sawyer with “Mommy, this is my Christmas list. Love, Sawyer.” Now, Sawyer was nineteen years old and called me mom, EXCEPT when he wanted something. “Mommy,” melted my heart, and he knew it. “Mommy” persuaded me to buy too many presents at Christmas, take way too many trips to Taco Bell, and even occasionally pay his rent. I miss those times when he could rely on me, and he went about it with such tender affection.

This year I decided to make gifts in an effort to share some of Sawyer’s things. (It has only taken four years!) I wanted to make a denim quilt using his jeans, but I ran out of time crocheting a baby blanket that took a lot longer than I thought it would. The quilt didn’t even get started.

Bradshaw-Christmas2I purchased a lamp and used Sawyer’s Legos to build around the base and up. I even left a hole for the wire to go through.

I built a pencil holder for his Grandpa’s desk and a key holder for his Grandma and Grandpa to hang on the wall. Sawyer loved to build with Legos and K’nex.




Bradshaw-Christmas1Touching his blocks was bittersweet. His little hands put together and took apart his Lego creations time and time again. Hours were spent constructing elaborate things such as a wired robot that could move when he used his controller, a rollercoaster that filled the room and worked even taking the tiny riders upside down in a complete circle, and a pinball machine that you could actually play. I certainly miss those days of fun, excitement, games, and “Mommy”.

Today as I was rummaging through his toybox looking for more Legos, I found a heart shaped rock. I remember that particular rock. We discussed the heart shape and how special it was. I have the faintest memory of giving it to him, and I’m hoping more of that event will return to me. He must have believed in hearts too, because eighteen to twenty years later I find that he has kept it. I am smiling a little inside knowing that he kept that heart rock, a solid and lasting symbol of love from “Mommy”.  What a gift I found on this day!


A toybox heart at Christmas calms my soul and lifts my spirit. I love my boy, Sawyer, who kept a heart rock all those years in his toybox.

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