Christmas Letter to Sawyer

Tracy Bradshaw

Dear Sawyer,
I probably write this every year now, but Christmas is so different without you and a list for “Mommy.” This is the seventh Christmas and the first time I have looked at your collection of ornaments since we decorated in 2010. I decided to let Sawbear have his very own tree and thought it appropriate to let him use your full box of Christmas decorations, ornaments, and even your stocking. I thought it was a great idea, but I was not prepared for the emotion. I’m not sure why I didn’t anticipate the struggle and talk myself out of it, but there I sat crying and pulling 18 years of Christmas memories out of a box labeled “Sawyer’s Christmas”. I stopped every few minutes and positioned Sawbear for a picture. It seems that his favorites were your favorites too. He even found the pickle and got to get the pickle present. It was the same decoration you got with two penguins and a big snowball. It was so very difficult, Sawyer, but I couldn’t stop until I had unloaded the box. The branches of the little tree dipped down with the weight of the ornaments much like the corners of my mouth dipped with the weight of grief.

I rummaged through your toybox and gathered a stocking full of cars, monkeys, a Taco Bell kid meal toy, spinning tops, and a mini Mr. Potatohead. I found the clock floor puzzle that you loved, your tub of Legos, your purple and black pajamas, and many more things to place under the tree for Christmas morning. Sawbear had a big Christmas, and I cried as I missed you and all the past Christmases we shared. While I am very grateful for the eighteen years that we got to celebrate Christmas together, it is just about impossible to focus on being grateful when I still feel robbed. I busied myself organizing the ornaments and taking pictures all the while remembering you with these small treasures in your hands. With each careful hanging there was a memory, and I let myself go there. I basked in the flood of memories, smiling and crying at the same time. Thankful and robbed, appreciative and angry, happy and sad, the feelings were extreme and hit simultaneously. Having your collection out made me miss you more and grief was heightened. Maybe I needed that this year, I don’t know.

I love you, Sawyer. I miss you, and I miss you decorating the tree with me, getting so excited over finding the pickle, hiding your beaded candle ornament you made at preschool, getting cookies ready for Santa, opening too many presents, playing with new toys, building with blocks or Legos, putting together puzzles, spending more time together, and living our traditions.

Love, Mom
December 25, 2017