May
2020

Douglas Redlin

categories: Journey

Mardi Peaster

I would describe Douglas Redlin as one of the smartest, most sarcastic, funny, witty, artistic, gently, caring and passionate man that I ever met. I am thankful that I was so lucky to be his mom.

He was born on July 16, 1984 weighing in at a whopping 12 pounds 2 ounces and 24 inches long! He had some early problems and was put in the NICU where he was too big to fit into the isolettes! He died from an undiagnosed heart defect on May 12, 2012. Even though he was born in San Antonio Texas and died in Harker Heights Texas, Douglas never considered himself a Texan.

As a 5th generation Army Brat, home was wherever we happened to be and you could really claim anywhere as “home”. Douglas believed that his home was Washington State, where he grew up from age 4 to age 10. Seattle Seahawks and Seattle Mariners were his teams. He never wore a jersey out of season. Even though he loved the Seahawks more than any other team, we buried him in a Mariners jersey because it was baseball season when he died. A Seahawks jersey lies beneath him, so he will always be in season.

His sense of humor and unique way of seeing the world showed itself early. At age 4 we heard a small voice from the back seat say “must have good donuts” as we passed a donut shop parking lot full of police vehicles. He always called himself Douglas until after the first day of Kindergarten. He came home and said “My name is Doug now”. Turned out he had trouble writing an “s” so he took care of that issue! He called car tracks in the snow “car prints” because he already knew about foot prints. He was never cold, and hated long sleeved shirts. He only wanted “up sleeve” shirts.

Douglas was in his first year of teaching history and coaching football at a middle school. Douglas put everything into reaching the kids. An amazing artist, Douglas would draw detailed masterpieces on the dry erase board to go along with each week’s lessons. Many parents and students came up to me at the viewing and funeral to tell me how my son Coach Redlin, had a positive influence on their child or themselves. Hearing those words about how he helped the next generation provided great comfort to me as I grieved and continue to grieve his death.

May
2020

Ryan’s Letter Before China

categories: Journey

Vicki Carter

May 2009

Mom,

Wow I can’t believe another year has passed! Your son is almost 19. So its about 4 hrs before I leave and I (am) writing you this to give you something to read whenever you hurt or miss me.

Mom, I’ve been called out, set apart…. We all have as followers, but our Father has something special for your son. And by me going this summer it is in preparation for what is to come. Even if my entire ministry overseas was to go on this trip meet one boy and he find Jesus then nothing was in vein (vain)! My upbringing non(e) of it in vain it was all for a reason and ALL For a purpose! Just like in Exodus 1:12 the Isrealites were being persecuted but because of that they multiplied greatly and grew stronger. I know this hurts and you sometimes don’t want it to be your son. However it will allow us to grow stronger together but most importantly upwards in our faith!

I love you mother! Stay Strong!!

Ryan

May
2020

Art

categories: Journey

Carmen Van Horn

I am not artsy at all, but I went to a paint party and made this for my son’s birthday tomorrow. The RDVH (his initials) and 22 for how old he would be if he were with us.

There is a cross in the sky because I know he is with Jesus. In the waves I have little hearts to represent my love for you is always strong.

The colors in the sky are the different ways grief has hit. Red is pain. Blue is depression. White is hope. Black is anger. Yellow is the battle. There are many colors that blend and bleed into one another.

The ship is a representation of how I feel like an empty shell sometimes. My boat sails toward the sun…my son and someday we will be together and complete.

Mom, Carmen In Memory of Duncan

May
2020

Devotion May 9, 2018

categories: Journey
Philippians 1:12-14

My friend Ryan Hurst Carter was killed in a horrific car crash last year. We had been seminary students together, former coworkers at our church, and friends. He fully embraced his life, loving God and loving people with every fiber of his being. When he died he was twenty-seven years old.

When I heard about his death, I wept. I was traveling and felt completely alone, surrounded by thousands of strangers in a cold airport. I grieved the loss of my friend, but I also felt the weight of my church’s grief. Ryan was dearly loved by our congregation. How would I break this news to them? How could I hold their grief along with my own?

Worship that Sunday morning was raw and difficult. I cried through the pastoral prayer as I prayed for his widow, our friend Megan.

When it came time for communion though, I found a source of strength. I declared it loud enough for my broken soul to hear: death is no match for life. I dared to say that our grief was not the final page of the story. I clung to that audacious hope which the resurrection will bring. We took the elements of bread and cup, and we remembered the suffering, grief, and sorrow of Christ, who gave himself so that our joy might be complete.

Paul tells the Philippian church that his imprisonment has made the brothers and sisters confident enough to dare to speak the word with greater boldness and without fear (v. 14). The early Church stared straight into the face of suffering and dared to speak a word of hope against it. I’m sure they were afraid. But their hope was stronger than their fear­ their trust in Life was greater than the threat of death.

Consider

When have you dared to speak a word of hope, though despair loomed large?

Pray

Merciful God, may our hope be stronger than our despair. Give us the courage that dares to speak words of hope with great boldness and without fear. Amen.

May
2020

Our Unending Journey

categories: Journey

Marilyn Brady

We lost our son, Mackenzie, on December 17, 2016. He was our only child and no child could ever be loved more than Mackenzie. We had waited for a child for so long and God did bless us with Mackenzie on November 28, 1996. Mackenzie was just our everything. We were so proud of him and all that he was. He was our “Gentle Giant”. He was absolutely adored and so, so loved. Yes, as parents, did he push our buttons? Absolutely. But, we worked through things as a family and we would so love to be that family still. However, it was not meant to be. And in December of 2016, our grief journey began and it was a place that we never imagined that we would ever be. Parents are supposed to outlive their children. THIS IS JUST NOT RIGHT!!

And that first year, we were so numb to everything. Our emotions were all over the place. We would cry, get mad, be so upset, and be flooded with memories while always remembering that Mackenzie would never be with us again. Then we blamed ourselves. Could we have done something to prevent his blood clot from happening? Even the words of the Emergency Room Doctor saying that even if he had been there, that even he could not have prevented his death had been very little comfort for us. We wanted our son here with us!

It has been very difficult for us and it still remains difficult. There have been very many changes since Mackenzie’s death. It did bring our families closer together. It did lead to us meeting many new people who have helped us so much in trying to understand this process and how to maneuver through, knowing there is no right or wrong way to go through the grief process. We had to find our own way on many things such as holidays. We had always celebrated at his paternal grandparents house and since his death, we have not been able to go and have those gatherings. Have there been hurt feelings because of the holidays? Yes. We just could not go to their house anymore and celebrate when there were so many memories of Mackenzie and that time there. And his paternal grandparents did not understand our point of view. They are elderly and wanted things to remain the same. However, nothing would ever be the same ever again. The holidays are so, so hard for us. We struggle through them every year. And, it is a struggle.

We try to go to the graveyard as much as we can to visit with Mackenzie. We have heard from some of our other friends who have lost children that they have been criticized for doing this. How? We do not understand this at all. That is our child and that is how we still can feel connected to him. That is all we have. We cannot hug him, hold him, or kiss him. You have to leave that connection for us for that is all we have. And if you do not understand it, be thankful that you don’t.

There are times that we can laugh now and not feel guilty for allowing ourselves to have that moment. There are still times that the anguish over losing him just engulfs us but there is some resolve in that we know that he is in HEAVEN with God and that we WILL see him again. So, we hold on to that moment with hope and love.

So, as we continue on this unending journey, please be patient with us. We are trying to move in a world that holds our heart in its hands. We are trying to find our way and it is not easy for us. And remember there is no right or wrong way to go through this journey. So, please just be patient with us.

REMEMBER ME

In spring when field and flowers bloom and lovers stroll beneath the moon When clouds are gone and skies are fair and hints of summer fill the air Remember Me

In summer when the crickets sing and you see robins on the wing When pumpkins grow and corn is tall and weather gives a taste of fall Remember Me

In fall when leaves turn crimson red and acorns fat to squirrels are fed When summer nights are put to bed and goldenrod and frost are wed Remember Me

In winter when the cold winds blow and all the earth is white with snow When soup is hot and fires are built and on your bed’s an extra quilt Remember Me

Mar
2020

Miracles Poem

categories: Journey

Vicki Carter

Does God still do miracles today?
I believe the stories of old.
He healed the sick, the lame, the blind;
The dead rose at His voice I’m told.

But does He still do this today?
Are people healed when He intervenes?
Do tumors disappear, the lame walk,
Sight restored, many things unforeseen?

The accounts are numerous for sure.
Many are healed even today.
God is still at work, I know.
It is important to have faith, to pray.

But what about when the answer is “No”.
Did we not have enough faith or prayer?
Did we fail somehow, get it wrong?
It’s easy to place blame, but beware.

God’s ways are not our ways, says Isaiah (Isaiah 55:8-9)
God’s thoughts are not the thoughts of man.
He loves His children so very much,
But only He knows the best plan.

Is it easy to trust, when the pain is great?
When one life spared and another lost?
We may never understand why,
But must trust He understands the cost.

A thorn in the flesh, not removed,
A loved one taken too soon.
He is made strong in our weakness.
To our pain, He is not immune.

He willingly gave His Son for us.
We didn’t ask or deserve to be blessed.
He chose to love you and me that much.
This sacrifice I couldn’t make; I confess.

He knows our pain; He walks with us.
He carries us when we need Him to.
He gave us the Holy Spirit to fill us,
To strengthen us and make us new.

He will never leave nor forsake us.
His yoke is easy, His burden light.
Trust Him when the hard times come,
Rest in His promises, in Him delight.

Yes, Lord You still do miracles today!
I believe the stories that are told.
You heal us all in Your Way, Your time.
I trust Your Love, something to behold!


Mar
2020

Faith and Tears

categories: Journey

Vicki Carter

When the pain is so great,
You just can’t hold it in.
The tears refuse to stay,
As they drip off my chin.

Many will look away,
They don’t know what to say.
Nothing can ease the pain,
Just a hug is Okay.

Is my faith not strong now?
If I believe He cares,
He is good; always faithful;
He answers all my prayers.

But my heart is broken,
A precious life is gone.
I know we’ll be together
One day in the New Dawn.

For now, the pain is great,
But my faith is still strong.
The tears will always come.
He collects every single one.  (Psalm 56:8)

He’s walking beside me;
Holding me, carrying me.
Comforting me, loving me.
Giving me rainbows to see.

“God hugs” along the way,
To say, “I’m here with you.”
The tears will come, it’s Okay;
You’re tears I will renew.

Faith and tears together,
God says they are Okay.
Our walk on earth is hard,
But He’s with us all the way.

 


Feb
2020

Message to Duncan

categories: Journey

Getting close to the 9-month mark of your Heavenly journey. It’s odd to think it takes about 9 months to grow a perfectly wonderful baby. The pain is great. You watch as your body grows and changes. You sometimes get scars. You go through sickness and so many emotional changes. In the back of your mind you keep plugging away thinking I know this is all gonna be worth it. It comes time to deliver and you are overwhelmed with such pain ….nothing to compare it to. Then you hear… it’s a…boy or boys in my case. You hold and make eye contact and suddenly everything you just put your body through for 9 excruciating months is worth it to hold such a beautiful little angel. Now I am here and there are so many similarities. Our pain has been great, and we have so many scars that cannot be seen. We have physically felt pain and sickness of such grief that nothing compares. It’s almost 9 months and I know I will not get to hold you or look at your beautiful face…not yet anyway. In my mind I often question what is the point of all of this. My mind is suddenly swept back to a flood of sweet memories. Duncan this is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever gone thru but I would 100 percent do it again for any amount of time given with you. Every day I pray to God that this journey counts. That God takes the pain and uses it for His Glory and to win souls. I pray your struggle will help someone as well as our struggle without you. I love you much and hold your memories until I can hold you once more.

Love,

Mom


Feb
2020

Love Lives On

categories: Journey

Marian Callahan, mother of Edward Bo Andrews

Love is in the air!  Think of February and what comes to mind?  Hearts, flowers, candy and love?  There is no greater love than the love of a mother for her child.  It is the purest, unadulterated form of love there is.  Our love for our child is unconditional and knows no bounds.                                                                                                                               

Love is eternal— it does not die. Even though our child has died the love we hold for them continues forever. Yes, our heart may be shattered in a million pieces, but it still doesn’t affect the love we have for our child and never will.  It is this love that I hold dear to my heart that helps me to go on. I share that love with all I know. I will never forget my child and will always bask in the sweet memories tucked in my heart. I think about him often, love sharing stories about him with all who will listen. I cherish the pictures I have taken and trust me there are so many. I also share the love with others he left behind, such as his siblings and others who knew him and are affected by the loss.                                                                                                                         

There’s another saying that is so true, “It is better to have loved and lost than not at all.”  Every day I thank God that I was Bo’s mother, that I was blessed with his presence in my life, that I had the opportunity to love him and be loved by him. I wouldn’t trade the fact that my son lived (even if not long enough) for anything. I would do it all over again even if I knew that he would die. I am so grateful that he lived and know that I will be with him one day again.  

So, this February for Valentine’s Day, I’ll love the ones that are still here, and I’ll send some love up to Heaven to the boy who loved holidays and candy.  I’ll smile when I think of him and another small piece of my heart will mend. Take time this Valentine’s Day to cherish the love for your child, bask  in your sweet memories, laugh at the things they did (laughter is a great healer), look at their pictures, eat their favorite candy and know that your love goes on and will for all eternity. Be blessed!!                               


Dec
2019

Missing You at Christmas

categories: Journey

 

Carmen VanHorn

Your memories flow
How we miss your glow
I keep feeling like something is missing it’s true.
My heart Cannot accept what I’m missing Is you
Your ornaments are hung with love on our tree.
My head is spinning how can this be?
All your favorite foods are ready
On the table over there
There is a seat waiting
But it will be an empty chair
Your voice, your smell, your smile
We all miss
All I want for Christmas
Is my hug and my kiss
I will cherish your memory
And love those here more and more
I hold on to the Great Hope Someday to see you once more.
In memory of Duncan
By Mom, Carmen Van Horn